My Phone Sex Diaries

I have had phone sex with four different people in my life. My experience with each covers all ends of the spectrum.

There was the first guy, who (considering he was shy and nervous in person) developed unwavering confidence and filthy language that I did not know he was even capable of, over the phone. The dichotomy of himself in person and his telephone persona tainted the experience somewhat, making me feel uneasy. I felt like I was witness to some grand performance. The words he used and things he described did not suit him. It was as if somebody was whispering in his ear the things to say or as if he was reading a manual written for men, by men. He told me (in excruciating detail) how he wanted to do a, b and c to me- but it was all the kind of stuff that guys imagine girls want when actually they want it a bit softer or to last a little longer. I could cope. It was getting me there a bit. That is until he came. The noises he made, were, quite frankly, alarming. It sounded like he was shooting a load of broken glass after a year of celibacy. That, or more likely, he was doing a very bad job of faking it. I wasn’t going to be getting anywhere for as long as he was making these noises and was torn between laughing at him or calling for an ambulance. Our phone sex days were finito.

Image

When I said I wanted a smashing time, this isn’t what I had in mind…

My second “phone friend” was at the other end of the spectrum. He was not crass and varied his language in an interesting and erotic way that even my A Level English Literature teacher would have admired. Everything he said was perfect. My second man was clearly using a manual made for men, by women. He was not repetitive (which, trust me, is rare in the phone sex world) and he would enter long monologues of words dripping with golden lube. He would stop me if ever I tried to interrupt. He was giving 100%. It was like receiving oral and knowing that I did not have to repay the deed. He told me what to do, how to do it and teased me until I was wrapped around his little finger. It was a winner. I was practically having multiple orgasms. The calls would be a couple of hours of pure passion long. Before and since our three months of regular phone sex-ing I have never been able to reach those same highs when “riding solo.” I was never bold enough to convert my phone sex orgasms into real ones with my number two, for fear that they simply would not compete.

Then there was my number three. In his own right he was an incredible guy but the phone sex was just, well…average. I have no horrendous story to reveal, he didn’t do anything badly but neither was anything brilliant. It was just boring. He tried to be dominant but executed it poorly and awkwardly. It was such a letdown, especially as he was so witty, clever and charming when not attempting phone sex. I tried to prolong our intellectual debates and general conversation so as to avoid the inevitable mediocre phone sex. He told me that he loved how I teased him by playing hard to get and that by making him wait he would have to “suitably punish” me. DAMN. He was not getting it. I have to confess that once I even cut him off mid- fake orgasm and turned my phone off feigning lost battery. Needless to say that despite loving his personality and chat, the phone sex tryst came to an end.

Image

Men never know what women want when they are face-to-face, remind my why doing it over the phone would help?

Finally, Mr four was my former long term boyfriend. We used phone sex as a replacement for the “real deal” when we were separated. Our relationship gave me a confidence that I had lacked with my previous phone sex lovers. Not confidence in terms of sexuality or being experimental but a confidence to laugh at his out of character comments and to tell him when I was bored and/or just not feeling it. He was alright, just alright. He got me where I wanted to be, but not on account of his moans, groans, sexy words and erotic imagination but because I could imagine times when he was turning me on for real. I was basically having fun alone with my imagination and his voice was a vague prompting. Un-incredible, but it did the trick now and again.

Moral of the story?!  If someone is amaaaazing under the bedcovers it does not mean that it will translate well over the phone and vice versa. Phone sex is selfish; essentially masturbation with a soundtrack- if the person you’re talking to is crap, then they’re crap- call it a day. The best phone sex is with people you don’t know very well with whom you can be confident in acting out roleplays and voicing your filthy desires and with whom they can do the same. If they’re a good chat? Then they are a just a good chat. Call them on a rainy afternoon just don’t expect them to talk you through orgasm after orgasm. If you find a man who can fuck your brains out in person and on the phone; then you are onto a winner. Happy phone sex-ing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s