A letter to my lover’s wife

Dear Megan,

I didn’t plan it, I promise. Neither did he. It just happened.

I know you hate me (I don’t blame you) but hear me out.

I know he is your husband, I always knew.

Yes, the affair that ensued was wrong but it isn’t as black and white as that. I am not an evil person- I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to hurt you either, Megan.

Don’t I have a right to be happy too?! Your husband is amazing- we both know that. So sensitive, so loving, so intelligent. I wanted to keep him, if only for a short time. Nobody compared. Nobody does compare.

We both tried to stop it. I told him it was immoral. I dated other men to move on, to forget. Oliver: he was charming, handsome and lovely but, well, he wasn’t all too smart. Daniel: perfect on paper- too keen in reality. Andrew: kind and generous- perfect husband material-just boring. Time and time again it boiled down to the same thing- that you had the perfect man. Why couldn’t I too?

Did you ever know how lucky you were? One morning you fought with him and told him how you wished you’d married your childhood sweetheart when he proposed to you at 18, rather than your amazing husband. He told me that. I hated you Megan, hated that you had everything that I wanted and yet could be so ungrateful. You have no idea.

Christmas- he was yours. Valentine’s day- he was yours. His birthday- he was yours. You are so lucky Megan and you never saw it. Don’t hate me, pity me.

You had it all, always did.

Do I feel bad about what happened? No. I was with your husband and yes it was wrong but I would never have hurt you. I never asked him to leave you, not once. I never rang or texted him first I played the role of the perfect mistress.

I didn’t want you to find out- not to protect my own back- I had nothing to lose. Your perfect husband wasn’t mine. I knew that if you found out- it would hurt him and it would hurt you and I never wanted that.

I know nothing about you Megan- I never wanted to know anything. Are you blonde or brunette? I have no idea. Do you laugh when your husband tells you the jokes that you have heard time and time before or do you sigh, Megan? I laughed; each and every time. Not because they’re funny- sure as hell they weren’t for the tenth time- but I laughed because I was happy, so content when I am with him. Have I walked passed you in the street Megan? Do we shop in the same shops? Or like the same things?

It hasn’t been easy for me.

The first time he rang me. The first time we kissed. The first time I lay beside him.

Bittersweet.

In those moments- however transient- he was mine. It was heaven- hearing him breathe, knowing he was there, with me. But at the back of my mind i was plagued- plagued by you Megan. Have you read the book “Rebecca”? Because that is what I was dealing with.

The constant torment that I was doing wrong.

Do I prioritise what I want? Or what some lady who I have never met has?!- well for once- I chose me. Does that make me evil?! Is it wrong that I wanted to look out for myself- once. I didn’t even truly want to do that- I never tried to steal your man- I merely borrowed him.

I took nothing- I didn’t steal his heart. I didn’t steal your marriage. I didn’t steal your time together. Everything I had was temporary. It meant the world to me and nothing to him. Can you imagine that Megan? You may think you’re the victim but you had what I have always wanted. You still do and you always will have. You’re the winner in all of this. I don’t even want to compete.

I’m happy being second best, Megan. I am. I would take whatever I could get. I can deal with hours days of silence. I can deal with the whispered phonecalls and the abrupt endings because you’re coming. I can deal with seeing him in the street and not only not being able to hold his hand but having to ignore him altogether. Can you imagine that? It wasn’t my hell. It was my heaven. It was the best that I could get and I seized it.

Every simple thing that you can do- walk side by side in public, dine at a restaurant for two, meet his family and introduce him to yours, wake up with him every morning, go to bed with him every night. That was your life- the mundane things. Those are the things that I envied. That I would give the world for.

Maybe you are the victim. Perhaps I am an evil bitch. Just don’t forget that you have it all.

Your husband’s Mistress.

affair_couple

I don’t have your husband…I never did

2 thoughts on “A letter to my lover’s wife

  1. I so understand. Knowing these are the only moments you will ever get. It’s beautiful, it’s perfect. You can do nothing BUT seize those moments because you are helpless to say no. Moments of gold that you will never forget. Him being yours for that short time – so wrong, yet so right. xx

    • It’s a really difficult situation to be. Nobody likes to be second best but sometimes, you convince yourself, that its better than nothing at all. Helpless is absolutely the correct word! Thank you for reading and its so encouraging to hear that women can relate! Xxx

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