The five most irritating things that guys do

Girls get all the bad press for being clingy, moody, difficult to understand and yes, yes it’s true we are guilty as charged but it’s about time that women got their say.

Here are the five things that guys do that irritate me to the point of being a game changer:

1) SHIT TEXTING.

Texting kind of irritates me at the best of times- it’s high commitment and drags out a conversation far longer than a five minute phonecall does. It does, admittedly have it’s highs though- like every other girl on this planet I am a sucker for cute, unexpected good morning texts etc etc. But there are three texting crimes I consider unforgiveable;

  • Chav speak- no, just no. I do not want to be communicating with a chavvy, illiterate and stupid man. It was not cool when I was 13 and it is not cool now. If u r so lay z tht u hav 2 txt lyk dis then I shall assume that you are just as lazy in the bedroom and in your personal life and I will not be interested. I have not attended university to now regress and date you.
  • Shit chat. If you’re texting me then a response uses up my time. I do not have the time to reply to boring texts. So, if you text me saying “what are you doing?” or even worse “wuu2?” do NOT expect a response. There are other ways of starting a conversation and if you don’t have the imagination to think of them or the ability to spice it up a little, I shall assume the same stands for your ability in the bedroom and elsewhere.
  • Possibly the greatest offence of all. If you have committed the heinous crimes listed above then you shall be a victim of the silent treatment. Take the hint at this point. For the love of God, retain your dignity! Do not- and I repeat, do not- then re-send the message. Or text saying; “I don’t know if you got my last text but…” Perhaps I am just busy, or plainly ignoring you- either way let me get on with it….alone.
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Please be a complete, grammatically correct and well written text…

2) MACHO MAXIMISING.

I know you’re male- this is why we are here, flirting. Possibly dating. Maybe even sleeping together. Accept that it is a given that I know your gender and all that it entails. PLEASE call it a day at that. Do not go out of your way to tell me about all things masculine in your life and exaggerate them to make it all the more obvious. Yes, I know you’re a lad and can handle your drink I don’t need an anecdote- a day to illustrate the point. Yes, I know you’re hench and that you work out at the gym regularly- please don’t make up some bullshit conversation that another gym-goer didn’t have with you just so you can boast about your physical strength. Yes, I know you’re a hit with the ladies please don’t proceed to tell me how you get hit on by beautiful women on a daily basis or how successful you have been with the girls in the past.

GET THE POINT. I am not your male friend, I am not showering you in man points, kudos or any form of respect. You only serve to irritate me and- if I dump you/stop texting you/ignore you as a result- it may not be so easy to fluff it up to your future girl as yet another example of your manliness.

3) FART/POO/TOILET JOKES.

Okay, so I’m not a highly strung princess who pretends that women don’t have certain bodily functions…but this does NOT mean that I am ready to embrace your stories about  the last time you had diarrhea or that I will participate in the farting competition you so desperately want to host. Again, I am not one of your male buddies so don’t treat me like one! I haven’t spent hours applying my make-up to perfection and spraying myself with Chanel’s latest perfume only to then take a huge shit in front of you. You may see some of my most intimate body parts and may be “privileged”  enough to wake up with me when I look like crap. But, there are still barriers and this is one of them. So please don’t gross me out, please don’t make me pretend to laugh at your poo jokes otherwise I can make your day really “shitty” with a kind of “dumping” that you didn’t have in mind when you compiled the fart competition rules.

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I may drop my knickers for you in the bedroom, but in the bathroom; it’s a whole different ballgame!

4) JOKE ABOUT MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE

Maybe we have argued a lot lately. Perhaps my moods can only be described as erratic. But, if you want to keep both of your testicles do NOT mention my menstrual cycle. Phrases such as; “is it that time of the month?” and “JESUS you have bad PMS” etc etc are WAY BELOW THE BELT. If there is one certain thing to take me from 0-100 on the anger scale- it is this. A boyfriend has been dumped for this very reason. Until you have uterus ripping, searing pains shooting through your womb- do not ever, ever flippantly jest about my lady problems.

Life isn’t fair. When I mock your “man flu,” tease you about your patchy stubble or joke that your hairline is starting to recede this does NOT give you free reign to ever bring my period into the discussion. BOTTOM LINE. There is no room for manoeuvre on this one.

5) MISS THE SLY DIGS.

If I text you with no end-of-text kisses then, something is up. If I go quiet on you for no seemingly apparent reason, then something is up. If I abruptly end a phonecall to you then something is upSOMEHOW, YOU MEN ALWAYS SEEM TO MISS IT. Trust me, I am not being subtle and yet somehow you manage to miss the dig. Odd. You catch all my subtle- come-to-bed-with-me- suggestive looks. Yet my seething, “I am livid” glances, you miss. GO FIGURE.

You don’t need to have a psychology degree and 10 years of practice to work me out, I assure you. Just pay a little bit of attention and if you feel that I am frostier than normal then trust me, just trust me, there will be a reason as to why I am. I’m not even asking you to work the reason out- ask me the reason if you must, I will be so bloody thrilled that you even noticed that something was up!

These are my five, arguably trivial, but highly irritating things that guys do. Perhaps I’m nit-picking but I think it’s about time that guys knew what really riles their girls up and ladies if you have any others- please let me know!

One thought on “The five most irritating things that guys do

  1. Pingback: I am the reason I am single. | Match dot... come on already!

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