Sex- and it’s five surprises

Aged fourteen- just when boys became a feature in my life and were no longer silly smelly creatures, my parents made the decision to send me to an all girl convent school.

Maybe, it had something to do with the fact that in nursery; (aged two, nearly three) I was caught rolling around on the floor with a little ginger freckled boy. Perhaps my parents had a point.

But, as I walked into the classroom of eighteen fresh faced little teen girls, their reasoning and logic seemed without point. “I will leave school a lesbian and it will ALL be your fault!” I shouted at my mum when I returned home from school after the first day- but her decision was final and that was that.

Did that stop me from pursuing men though? OH NO. Mummy dearest, your plan was flawed. It delayed it, yes. But when I left that school- an eighteen year old virgin who had had a few sloppy snog experiences and a slight fumble around- I entered the real world; sex deprived and craving something I had not even experienced.

All I had to go on were a few accounts of my more experienced friends’ sex lives, a vague recollection of a hugely warped- catholic sex education at school, and films. WELL, wasn’t that all a disservice.

One by one I was left shocked with little errr… surprises that hit me along the way that NOBODY warned me of.

1) THE PAIN

Giving birth- it’s all people ever harp on about- the pain, the searing pain. But hey, the loss of virginity, lets gloss over that pain and not mention it. Lets let teenage girls across the world have that little shock as they embrace their lovers for the first time. Well, thanks a bunch.

Perhaps pain is a little strong, but it was an unpleasant discomfort nonetheless- I’m happy not to have my virgin status back in a hurry! Perhaps the discomfort combined with the confusion- is this normal? Is it supposed to feel like this? Etc etc- made it worse, but it wasn’t enjoyable.

Once the deed was done, I went to sleep, thinking game over. Virginity gone. Pain gone.

BOY, was I wrong. It may be uncommon but I was one of the unlucky few, blessed to experience what (after several Google searches) I discover is called; Honeymoon cystitis. Nothing too major a problem, but it ensured that for the rest of the day after, I was in enough discomfort to guarantee that I wouldn’t be in a hurry to get back under the bedcovers.

These aren't screams of pleasure....

These aren’t screams of pleasure….

2)THE MESS

In films the couple have a jolly good bonk, get dressed, dust themselves down and head off to continue their day to day activities. WHY DOES THIS NOT HAPPEN IN REALITY?

A sexy pre-evening dinner session or a quickie before a meeting would be HOT. It would be, I see why it’s such a hit in the movies, I do. But in reality, an additional ten minutes need to be added onto the spontaneous love making before its even near acceptable to enter a public domain.

A quick visit to the bathroom to errr….clean up. A quick clean around of location to make sure that there are no undesirable liquids lying about. Desperate attempts to tone down the post coital glow; the ultimate give away. A rushed attempt to ensure that all clothing is correctly replaced and that hair is looking as neat as it did prior to the act. Several sprays of perfume to remove that sex smell that nobody can put their finger on, but that everybody can recognise.

It comes as a shock. It makes post-sex cuddles a little less instinctual and romantic as the need to clean overwhelms any notions of romance. It’s a bugger. Mess; the bane of every woman’s life.

3) MEH

I love sex. If you’re having great sex, then nothing beats it. But, if you’re having average….or bad sex, then a lot of things do. It’s just meh. The amount of discussion surrounding the act seems redundant when you’re having bad sex. You pump, you thrust, you lift, you bend. But if its not happening, it’s not happening. When you’ve finished and you realise that you’ve near enough broken your back and only gained practice in fake orgasming- you can’t help but be left wondering- WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?

In films, couples walk away post sex, with a glint in their eye, a glow in their cheeks and a huge, teeth showing grin. In reality, sometimes it’s a hit but quite often it’s a miss. There are one thousand things that could go wrong, making the performance mediocre. He finishes too quickly. He takes foreveeeeeer. He moves too hard. He moves too softly. He’s too small. He’s too big. No foreplay. Too vanilla. He sweats too much. He likes things that don’t float your boat. He dislikes your biggest turn on.

Meh.

4) THE TIME OF THE MONTH

Okay so in school you have the sex education lesson on periods. How they effect women, the menstrual cycle, you see a tampon expand in water…great, great, great.

The following week you have a lesson on sex. Sexual Intercourse. Great, great, great.

But never, never, do they combine the two. Neither do you. You know about periods, obviously. You know all about sex, fab. But somehow, your brain never registers the two with one another until…

Boyfriend: ” oh darling dearest, shall we make sweet sweet beautiful love this evening?”
You: “yes, yes I would love to, shall we go to your house or mi- OH WAIT.”

And then it dawns on you. WHAT NOW? Do you do the deed regardless and just add to surprise number two- mess? Or do you abstain for a few days until the coast is clear? It’s a personal choice, but a conundrum you have never considered before and one that nobody has warned you of.

5) ORAL SEX

Of course you know what oral sex is. We all had that giggle in French or Spanish or German or whatever language you took when the teacher announces that you have an oral exam next week. Giggles galore! We all had that giggle the first time we went to the doctor’s and he told us that the medication had to be taken orally Comedy Gold!

We know what it entails. Something that when we first find out- disgusts us. You wouldn’t be human if, aged fifteen, the thought of it didn’t confuse and repulse you in equal measure. Then you do it. Still a little grossed out. Then you receive it. AH YES! It all makes sense.

For starters you seldom see oral sex in films; unless of course it’s a porno that you’re watching. Strange isn’t it, you see full blown sex in the movies all the time, but a cheeky bit of fellatio? Never.

Then you remember back to your old school days. When you discussed the four bases; 1) kissing 2) touching 3) oral and 4) sex. In that order. I don’t know about you but I assumed that was the order leading to increasing pleasure? I assumed that as you moved through the bases each previous base diminished in value. My parents and others used to say as a warning mantra; “you know what all boys want…they want to get into your pants.” Pants, always pants. It was never, your mouth.

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So it came somewhat as a shock to discover that oral sex is a biggie on the guy’s want list. Before sex, sometimes instead of sex and- surprisingly at the end of sex. The latter was something I certainly didn’t sign up for!

Let me get this right….you want a blowjob before we get down and dirty…and then just before the key moment you want us to interrupt (our mutually beneficial) sex in order for me to give you another blowjob (solely for your benefit) so that you can finish in my mouth??

Remind me again, why they harped on about pregnancy during sexual education when this was the sort of behaviour I had yet to face? No risk of babies if I’m letting you finish in my mouth!

My school days were misguided. Base three is acceptable at any ALL times. It need not follow or precede anything. Yes, yet another little shocker, for us ladies.

So, I thank you mum and dad, for the all girl convent education. You postponed my sexual development a little, put off the discovery of these five little sexual surprises for a few years…maybe, just maybe, your decision was smarter than I first thought.

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