Operation: Mindblowing Sex

The first time you sleep with a guy- if it’s bad you put it down to a first time, nerves thing.

Then you start to regularly sleep with said guy and you realise that he is just bad in bed. But you like him, so it’s a minor.

Then you realise that he isn’t learning, he isn’t improving, the words of encouragement are lost on him.

Days pass.
Weeks pass.
Months pass.

You’re having bad sex. Maybe not bad, but below average. You’re giving up on the ideal of great, mind blowing sex. You only have the distant memory of what an orgasm feels like to work with. Sounding familiar ladies? When do you resolve to do something about it?

I had the wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee-moment when, during sex, I started to think about what I was going to have for dinner that night. I started to crave my mum’s spaghetti bolognese. MY MUM’S. I was thinking about my mum’s cooking whilst having sex. Yes, you read that correctly. It didn’t particularly register with me, until the poor guy who was trying to thrust himself into me, saw me salivate (at the thought of spaghetti bolognese) and uttered the words that haunt me to this day;

“Wow, you’re really feeling it tonight- I’ve never seen you this excited!”

Maybe you could take a hint from the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp...?

Maybe you could take a hint from the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp…?

There you have it boys and girls. That was my moment. It was a game changer.

I humoured him and pretended to enjoy the sex until it was over. Over according to him, I hasten to add, not according to me.

Operation MINDBLOWING sex began from that moment on.

I Googled “how to have great sex” more times than I can count. I read hundreds of magazine articles, online blogs and interviews on the matter. I spoke to friends; male and female, straight and gay, old and young. From there I compiled a to-do list of sorts.

1) Tell him what you want.

Yes, yes, I know- if you’re comfortable to have sex with a man then you should be comfortable enough to tell him what you want. Too many of my friends have repeated this mantra to me. I get it. But it’s impractical. I’ve faked it for too long, I’m putting on a great performance- there is no way on this earth that I can now backtrack and ask him to do a,b and c a little differently.

I can- I have- hinted at little things he can do here and there. When something feels good, I pretend I’m in ecstasy so he does it a little more a little harder and keeps at the same angle. But, when you want his whole errr…style to change- you need a little more tact for that.

So, rather than facing an awkward- let’s sit down and analyse how sexual intercourse is for you- discussion, I decided to leave a tactically placed open text message for him to read.

My best friend is my life saviour. The whole text conversation was a set-up; she moaned about sex with her boyfriend and asked me for advice. I gave her some. We feigned a girly heart-to-heart in which I revealed that maybe I would like something a little less vanilla, a little more…out there.

I am pleased to report that he got the hint. He learnt that I craved something a little kinkier and risqué in the bedroom and I learnt that he was a sneaky little so and so who had no qualms about reading texts not intended for him!

2) Be daring!

How can you know what you want and what you like without trying? I’m not advocating doing things that repulse you. But, maybe you are partial to the odd dress up role play? Perhaps the introduction of toys into your sex life is what you’re missing? Maybe you want to try a threesome? Anything you don’t like you can stop, immediately but what’s the harm in trying?

You want to try WHAT?!?!?!

You want to try WHAT?!?!?!

Now, I’m not some S&M sex goddess but after a reassessment of my very tame sex life- I managed to encourage (it didn’t take much) the guy I was sleeping with to be a little more forceful. I didn’t want someone to make sweet love to me, but rather craved a good old fucking- and I wanted that to be reflected in the sex. The thought of encouraging a guy to strangle me a little, to be a bit rougher than seemed polite and to make me a choke a little when giving him oral, surprisingly turned me on. It spiced up our fun in the bedroom and made me feel a lot kinkier than the passionate, soft caresses in sex had done.

3) The NO faking rule.

As a British lady, I like to consider myself well mannered and polite. With that comes a tendency to patiently queue, an ability to discuss the weather no matter how mundane and the politeness to fake an orgasm.

It’s a tricky one, ladies! You’re having sex and he has finished long ago…bless him he is trying, really trying to give you an unforgettable experience. But, well, it’s just not going to happen. You want to be writhing in pleasure and squealing and moaning with ecstasy…but you’re not.

Time drags. Still nothing. So what do you do? Break his heart and bruise his ego? Do you wait and wait and wait until it works? Or do you save both of you the time, effort and embarrassment?

It’s the quick get out. We’ve all been there, we have all faked it.

But not anymore. WHY are we compromising our pleasure?!? He didn’t seem to care about saving us any effort as we spent what felt like an eternity giving him a blowjob. Why should we cut our passion short? Cruel to be kind- if he wants to improve he has to learn. Like my boyfriend when I was a teenager- fresh out of puberty, he didn’t know what he was doing! But god his skills in fingering were horrific. I wince even thinking back. It was like letting Edward Scissorhands down there!!! Whenever his fingers wondered over my body to limit the sheer pain I faked it seconds after he started. He must have thought he was a sex god! I fear for the girls who were after me and wonder if they all kept up the big performance or if one of them shattered his dreams and gave him a lesson in fondling!

This rule is a life changer.

I don’t care how long it takes, I’m damned if I am putting out and not gaining myself! So let’s raise a glass to not faking and a future of genuine moans and groans.

OMG- orgasms made genuine!

OMG- orgasms made genuine!

4) NO second chances.

Despite following all the above rules- sometimes, just sometimes great sex isn’t meant to be.

Maybe you just aren’t beating to the same rhythm. Perhaps your sexual tastes aren’t compatible. Or maybe it just isn’t going to happen.

Accept it.

Don’t make up excuses for him.

He came too fast because he hadn’t had sex in ages. He couldn’t get it up because he was tipsy. It didn’t work because he was so much taller than me. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

If you want to be on the one way street to orgasm heaven then you have to be ruthless. No excuses, no second chances. Your time is too precious!! If you’re in a relationship or wish to improve one person in particular then pull out all the stops to teach him. But if you’re single and playing the field then STOP. The single days are special and possibly shortlived. SEIZE them and get some incredible sex into your repertoire. You wouldn’t waste time on a date with bad conversation, bad breath or bad manners. So WHY dilly dally around with a guy who’s bad under the covers?

When put like that, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Treat every person you bed like an audition for the real thing. If it works keep them going, and if not, you don’t want them to be a part of the final scene!

5) NEVER stop learning!

Life is all about learning. Sex is a huge part of this learning curve.

You might be 17 and a virgin, 25 and promiscuous or a 48 year old mother…so what? We ALL deserve fabulous sex. You never stop learning.

“You put what in where?!?” “You touch him how!?” “You buy that for what?!” You get the gist.

You might know that certain things go in certain places. Or that you really like being touched in a certain way. But there is so much more for you to discover.

Be open to it all.

Listen to your friends as they tell you about a new position that they’ve tried, a sex toy they have started using or a technique that their boyfriend loves. Listen and learn.

Read magazine articles, pay attention in interviews and take a wander into Ann Summers or a cheeky sex shop if you get the chance. Keep on top of your game!

Listen to what the guy you’re sleeping with likes and find out exactly what you like. You may know your body inside out but do you actually know it?!

There might be a whole world out there for you to discover…if you want to join the orgasm club- go and discover it, I promise you won’t look back!!

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