This list is a long awaited one and one that I am sure I will be able to add to time and time again. Men: take heed.
Harassment on the street
I’m walking down the street and you yell some seemingly complimentary comment at me. Perhaps you mention my big boobs, you call me gorgeous or simply make a suggestive noise or whistle. You think this flatters my ego, it doesn’t. 1) you are probably some gross builder with half your arse on show and 2) even if you’re not- you have embarrassed me. Let’s discuss embarrassment. Is that a nice feeling? Did you enjoy standing up in class having to read an extract from Shakespeare to your fellow friends? Did you enjoy that time you fell infront of a crowd of laughing strangers? Did you enjoy when your mate told a girl you quite liked her and it embarrassed you? NO, NO, NO.
Is the fact that you’re complimenting us compensation for said embarrassment? No, men, it’s not. You may think only frigid fundamental feminists take issue with this kind of harassment but so too do I and most of my female friends.
If we are hot (we know it) and are being told so by people we like, respect and want to hear it from. Please stop with this behaviour…this isn’t going to make me want to jump into bed with you any time soon- so please save your best whistles for your dog, as I for one will never be your bitch.
This brings me onto point number two. We may be having a flirty text conversation or we could be in the throws of pure passion. But, never- and I mean never will I appreciate being called a bitch, a whore or a slut (or any other derogatory term for that matter.) You didn’t get my number or get me into bed by using this language so why do you deem it fitting now?!?
Lets have a deal, if you want to treat me like I’m in a porno with such language, then give me an experience worthy of a porn film. Until then…you can call me princess.
If you’re my boyfriend this doesn’t count. But to all those boys I barely know and am merely texting, no I don’t want to see your little man. No, I shan’t be making a deal with you to show you my bits if you show me yours, understood?!
This may come as a surprise, but I do not think that your lopsided five inch piece of hairy meat is sexy. If you mean nothing to me, then you can almost guarantee that your photo has been sent to all of my closest friends for their amusement and scrutiny.
Keep it where it belongs- hidden away. That way, maybe, just maybe there may come a point where I actually want to see all that you have to offer.
Yes, we like our men to keep in shape. Yes, we like our men to smell nice. Yes, we like our men to keep an eye on things “down there.”
But NO, we don’t want you to have smooth legs, hair that takes longer to style than ours and a fake tan. NO just no. You’re a bloke and I want you a little rough around the edges. I want some stubble, some unkempt hairs and to feel more groomed than my boyfriend is. Is that a crime? No. Boys are supposed to be boys. It’s great that you have progressed from deodorant-less days spent getting muddy on a football pitch. But please don’t start outdoing us. Let me stick to the waxing and hair straightening and you can go back to farting and making poo jokes. Deal?
Too Lovey Dovey
I know that sometimes it seems like guys can’t win. We don’t want you to be an absolute idiot to us, but equally- please read carefully we don’t want you to be over the top in your expressions of love for us. I don’t want to be caressed 24/7, told that I’m beautiful every waking moment of the day or return home to a house filled with rose petals each night. Ladies love this vomit inducing behaviour when it’s a treat or a surprise. When we least expect it. We don’t want it all day everyday.
Strike the right balance! If we have been dating for a couple of weeks DON’T throw out the L-word, however much you think we want to hear it. Don’t hold my hand and stroke my arm endlessly when we are out in public- or at home- for that matter. Don’t cook dinner for me every night and surround my bed with thousands of lit candles whilst playing your mum’s Enya CD on repeat. Just take it easy.
Now, this is where guys really can’t win. This list isn’t the gospel truth- there are some ladies out there who swoon when builders tell them that their tits look great; who can’t get enough of being insulted in the bedroom; who have an album on their iPhone of all the men’s penis photos that they have ever collected; who love hairless lavender scented men and who cannot get enough of Casanova-esque daily romance. But boys, this isn’t me and this isn’t 95% of my female friends. I know you’re not good at listening but maybe just this once it’ll pay off…