10 things that will guarantee that you will never get into my knickers nor my heart.

Every girl has her few things that she hates in a man. Here is my list of be all and end alls that I won’t be budging on, not even for Brad Pitt.

1) Spitting. I loathe spitters. Few things repulse me as much as the sound of a guy gobbing on the street. What are you, an animal? What could you possibly have in your mouth that needs removing right here and right now? Even if you do have something vile that you need to get rid of (I dread to think what) have you heard of a tissue? There is no scenario where spitting is appropriate or acceptable. I would honestly be less offended if you dropped your boxers and started masturbating in the middle of the street. Absolute no go.

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2) Finger clicking. Horrible, horrible, horrible. It’s not something that can be ignored. Each click and the bending and squeezing of each finger. Not once, not twice but ten times. Do you want arthritis later in life? Or to get a girlfriend any time soon?

3) Moustaches. Facial hair is hot-nothing beats a cheeky bit of stubble. Moustaches, especially in isolation, however are not. They’re creepy and weird me out. It’s like a third crazy sized eyebrow. One I’m reminded of after every crumb inducing meal and every time you go to kiss me. Yuk. Has Hitler ever been a fashion icon? I thought not.

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4) Stretchers. You know those crazy huge earrings that some people put in one of their ears to stretch their lobes until they’re MASSIVE? Those. I hate them. WHAT POSSESSES YOU? Are you in some African tribe? Do you like the fact that you have a huge hole in one of your ears that will never shrink? It’s just odd and I cannot comprehend it. When I see people with stretchers I stare out of pure fascination. I’m just fascinated to know WHY. Plus it grosses me out in a sort of- you have snot on the end of your nose or a spot that needs squeezing- type way.

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5) Body Odour. Obviously this is a universal mood killer but really? THERE IS NO EXCUSE for BO in 2013. It boggles my mind, can you not smell it on yourself!? More, do you ever expect a girl to let you get naughty and sweaty with her when you already reek of unwashed sweat? No, thank you.

6) Adam’s apples. This one I know you can’t help boys, but it has to be included. I’m referring to those men who are inflicted by the presence of an obscenely oversized Adam’s apple. When in the company of such males I find myself constantly swallowing. It looks so uncomfortable, makes me think you’re a prepubescent teenager and kind of puts my teeth on edge. Unlike Eve, I’m not going to be tempted by your apple.

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7) Long nails. They’re just not right on men. Plus, they’re invariably grimey, badly looked after and just gross to look at. Infact, I prefer the stubby nail syndrome that so many guys suffer from- you know, where the nails bleed because they’re so short and they have pudgey bits of skin on their fingertips where the nail has been chewed and bitten to death? The tragedy of a broken nail is a female problem; not one I ever wish to be sharing with my other half.

8) Baby talk. NO. I’d love to know what goes through the minds of men who commit this crime. Who told you that this was endearing? Or sexy? Or funny? It certainly wasn’t me. It’s the epitome of irritating. It makes no sense. You want to be a breadwinning successful man, you want to protect me and be a hero. YET here you here donning a baby voice and trying (and incidentally failing) to be “cute.” Whatever planet you’re on, it’s one you can enjoy alone.

9) Hair gel. Is this the 90s? Are you in a boyband? Is greasy looking, yet hard to the touch hair sexy? No, no, no. What are you thinking?! You’ve actually put thought, effort and time into this look. OH DEAR. Please boys, reconsider.

10) Man jewellery. If you think you’re pulling off the whole surfer guy look or the I’m a hard man with a dog tag vibe, then you’re misguided. Man jewellery just makes you look tasteless and chavvy. The only acceptable jewellery on a man comes in the form of a wedding ring and I guarantee that you won’t be getting anywhere near close to one, if you continue with the necklaces and the bracelets.

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