I’m quite happily scrolling up and down my Facebook newsfeed, checking the movements of the boy I quite like currently, chatting to my best friend who I haven’t spoken to in a while and scanning holiday photos of a girl I went to school with.
BAM. Out of nowhere it comes. A girl I haven’t even thought about for a few years posts a photo album entitled; “Welcome to the world.” In said album are some thirty pictures of her baby bump, the scans and her new born daughter. She’s 21. On the very same day I stumble upon the profile of a girl aged 17 who attended my school. She is engaged after finding out that she is three months pregnant. She also still has braces. Babies making babies.
Now, it’s none of my business when people have their children. It really isn’t. 21 isn’t even bad- that’s fairly reasonable. But what I hate about the whole babies having babies thing, is how it makes me feel.
Having woken up at 1pm because I’ve been shattered this week, my biggest achievement of the day was retrieving my phone that I dropped behind my bed. It required a ruler and stretching muscles that I didn’t even know existed. It was no mean feat. How the rest of my Saturday will pan out, I’m not sure. There is currently thunder and lightening and this in itself scares me a little so I shall probably be retreating under my covers until it stops.
In case you are wondering, yes, I am very much single.
Now, compare my life to said 17 year old with braces. Her braces themselves must provide a daily annoyance (I should know, I had them back when I was a child) but on top of this comes pregnancy scans, morning sickness, exhaustion, panicking about preparations for new baby, weird food cravings. The list goes on.
Irrespective of her age, she is doing something worthwhile with her life. She is bringing a new life into the world and dealing with the physical consequences of this. She is scared of what the future holds, of giving birth, of not being a good mum, of struggling. Like I said, I’m scared of the current weather.
Reading this news reminds me each and every time, of how much of a baby I am. I’m barely self sufficient let alone would I be able to look after a child. It’s the same when I hear the news of my friends getting engaged. I’m nowhere near bagging a boyfriend- let alone a husband! Depressing!!
These life revelations of my friends unsettle me. They make me question myself and take a look at my life. Am I really doing that badly and not progressing?! I know I’m still young, having just turned 22, but even still- where am I going so terribly wrong?! I have no stability and security in my life. Zero idea where I will be or what I will be doing next year. I have nothing tying me down to anything, anyone or anywhere. Ordinarily the thought of this excites me. I like that I’m twenty two and free. But when I see my peers moving on in the world, entering a life of comparative certainty, it scares me.
Maybe I should look at it differently and rather than pity myself for lacking security and for not maturing and progressing so quickly, perhaps I should pity these young people starting their new lives? Not because they have beautiful children- of course not! and not because they have found the love of their lives and are settling down to marriage! But because they don’t have the freedom that I have. Because they don’t have the fun of the uncertainty of life…
I don’t know, I pity myself and I pity those people. I envy the freedom I have but I envy the happiness and the certainty that they have. It’s a toughie, maybe it’s a case of “you always want what you don’t have” or that people should do what they want- some people want and should settle down early whilst others need more time to have their independence and carefree lives before taking the leap.