Our tryst lasted four months. A short period of time, but it felt like forever. He was perfect for me, I could have sworn it.
It ended. Abruptly. It ended without reason; you never explained. Perhaps another girl? I assumed. I don’t know. All I know is that you suddenly seemed to lose interest. My heart was still in it, it was for a very long time. I don’t love you anymore though. When you text me (as you so often like to do as of late) my heart still misses a beat. Ofcourse I still feel something, does that ever go away? Maybe, for you.
With you, whatever I get, I seize. A text, a phone all, a snapchat- I don’t care. Five minutes of your time is better than nothing at all. For you I am prepared to settle for second best, of for third, fourth or fifth. Something, anything, is better than nothing at all.
You kill me. I’ve cried for you more than I have for any man. Stupidly, I thought you were my one. For years we have played this game of false pretenses- the happy birthdays, the merry christmases and general catch ups. You deleted me off facebook, it saddened me, but now I consider it a relief. A blessing in disguise. I don’t want to know what’s going on in your life. I don’t need to know.
That is why I did what I did today. I REFUSE to be your back up girl. The person you text in a moment of boredom and then discard with such ease. I am done living in the remnants of what was. I don’t want this anymore, this limbo. Clinging on to old memories and feelings that no longer are. You have abused the feelings that I had for you. You know how crazy I was about you, you claimed the same. I am done.
You texted me today some meaningless small talk. I typed a message in response, the usual. The effortless trying to play it cool message of disinterest that I’m sure, despite all efforts, highlighted my desperation. Then I stopped. I am done. I don’t want to live in your shadow anymore. So I changed my message to you, I told you not to text me again and then I deleted your number.
I deleted your number. FREEDOM. I am free, I can re-gain my self worth, my value as a person. You took a part of me with when and now I’ve reclaimed it. Letting go is scary. Making a change is scary. Accepting that you will never have something that you so badly want, is scary. But today, I did it.