5 sex malfunctions.

You’ve bagged your dream man for a night. The make up, the hair, the outfit that you picked out painstakingly has worked. The shaving and tanning and changing of bed sheets has all been worthwhile.

But once the clothes are off it doesn’t mean that all your good work has paid off…OH NO.  Let me share with you a few sex malfunctions that unfortunately can- and do- happen from time to time. I’m ashamed to say that the following are memories from a few bedroom nightmares I and my fave girlies have had….

  • A bloody nightmare. Let’s put it this way…throw some blood into the mix and you can guarantee that my cheeks will be a colour to match. Virginity blood? SOB….there’s no denying now that he’s taken your V plates, super cringe and messy- as if the first time you do the deed isn’t awkward enough already!! (incidentally you could do as my friend did in this situation and steal the random guys bed sheet whilst he was in the loo and then run off and cheer yourself up with a Maccies…) Period blood? Okay so you didn’t know it was coming?? Or you forgot? Or you just mistakenly thought you could get away with it….but er, didn’t? WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. Cringe… BUT girls are not alone when it comes to the embarrassing blood-bedroom mix…as I discovered only last weekend. We were thrusting away, male companion and I, having a jolly good time….when out of nowhere there is blood- everywhere (and I mean everywhere.) Immediately I blushed wondering how I could have forgotten my time of the month….until I saw the screwed up expression of pure agony on my man’s face. It’s the kind of thing you see on films, the sort of thing you hear happens to somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody…but there it was, his poor penis covered in- for once- his blood. A face the same shade to match but not out of embarrassment but sheer pain. Poor fella.

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  • Farting. Okay, so it’s a lot of movement. There’s a lot of excitement. Things happen quickly. Your body doesn’t quite know what he’s doing with his thingy majiggy. Maybe his body is a little startled that you’ve put your tongue…there. How do our wonderful bodies react to these scenarios? Are they in sync with our best efforts to appear beautiful, sophisticated and sexy? Oh no….we fart. We lose momentary control of our bottoms and make a noise to rival that of our sleeping Grandad’s brussel sprouts induced trump last Christmas Day. CRINGE. Maybe, just maybe he didn’t hear it….PERHAPS I got away with him thinking my stomach was rumbling or that the bed was creaking? And then you get a waft of the delightful gas. Thank you, body.
  • Queefing. Boys think they have the whole farting thing bad….try being a woman with DOUBLE the TROUBLE. Even with the world’s best control of our bottoms…our lovely vajayjays have the opportunity to show us up in the form of queefing. You know, that noise you’ve heard in the bedroom boys but can’t quite put your finger on? YES, IT WAS A FANNY FART. 
  • BEING WALKED IN ON. Your mother? His mother? Your best friend? Your flatmate? Your sister? His brother? A total stranger? IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE….it’s embarrassing as hell. Arse up in the air, legs flailing apart, tits in his mouth? This is not something you wanted to share with the outside world. Let alone most probably your nearest and dearest….its the ultimate mood kill. Even the very best of therapists can’t rid your mother of that Freudian filth!

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  • Jizzing disasters. Like my friend whose boyfriend kept pulling out of her mouth a second too soon and then erupted all over her face….every time she gave him a blowjob?? (YES, she was being fleeced for a porno-esque ending!) Or the time you’re not on the pill and riskily ask him to use the “pull out method” for him only to deliver his love juice into your belly button? It’s hardly a charming experience to get his jizz all over your freshly washed bed linen, or to end up with the gloopy stuff dripping all over your hair/nose/inner thigh….you name it.

If there’s any reminder that you need a good sense of humour in this life, then sex malfunctions will definitely do the trick! Shag responsibly, folks!

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