Long time, no speak.

I was having a bloody brilliant night out. My oldest friend had come up to stay with me at uni, it was the end of exams, we were dressed like schoolgirls and shotting vodka like borderline alcoholics. “Toilet check” she mouthed to me with over the top lip movements as she acted out powdering her nose for the dancefloor to see.

Together we bounced into the grotty nightclub toilets and crammed ourselves into one cubicle (the things drunken girls do!) I got out my phone and did the standard text check- mama dear “congratulations on finishing your exams love, don’t be too silly tonight. Xx” Bless her. My blurry eyes tried to focus on the second of the texts I had received…then like a lorry, it hit me. Rob.

I hadn’t heard from Rob for nearly three months. WHAT? WHY? WHY NOW? Things had ended badly with my sort-of ex. I loved him, I did- sob I really pick the bad’uns. It was like he had taken a shit on my night because, all of a sudden, I wanted to be home in my pjs alcohol free and fully capable of a well thought out reply. “Heya cutie, long time no speak, how are you doing? X” that was it. No shit Sherlock. Long time no speak because YOU stopped talking to me. For some (STILL) unexplained reason you went silent on me mid-sort of relationship. Okay we weren’t a full blown couple, we weren’t facebook official, we hadn’t met each other’s folks…but other than that it was a relationship. Our friends knew, we said we loved each other; I actually did, the rest was there.

Had I been sober, no doubt I would have articulated all of this in a more emotionless way, but instead he got: “I’m issyou yyy” What I meant was “I miss you xxx” but my drunken clumsy fingers screwed it up. That would never have been my reply had I not been dressed as a school girl, elated and full of booze. Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve. “A little tipsy are we babe? Hehe. Miss you too x” He replied. BOY I hated his “hehe”s what was he a baby chimpanzee?!? At this point my friend swiped my phone from my hand and put it in her handbag.


I am eternally grateful to her for this.

It was like he waited until I was nearly, almost over him before he texted me. I had reached the point where I didn’t think about him 1,000 times a day and then he text. BAM back to where I started.

How do boys manage this? He is not alone. Marcus my other darling and I ended on baaaaad terms ( I really am an all or nothing gal, love you with all my heart and hate you with all my heart.) Anyway, it ended badly and unbeknown to him, the day he rang me for a catch up, was my graduation day. How to smear another fabulous occasion! I didn’t have his number saved and so answered his call with a cautious “hello?” Immediately I recognised his voice. DAMNIT- he gave me no chance to mentally prepare, no opportunity to decline the call if I wanted and no chance to put on my sexy phone voice. Damn you, Marcus. “Deleted my number then I see.”  From the get go it was arguments- always explosive and that’s kind of why I liked him so much. Marcus was the only guy who really, truly challenged me.

Then there was Ben-we didn’t break up badly, just fizzled. He sent me a text one random day out of the blue. “Hope things are going well for you x” that was it.  Quite odd and given that it wasn’t a question I figured it didn’t call for a response. Hence the text an hour later: “Come on, throw a dog a bone, you were my first proper relationship, can’t we just catch up?”  Too whiney, too entitled, too much hassle- that text went without a reply too. (Call me mean but it was over a year later!)

What I don’t get is why men do this? If you’re my ex we will never be friends. Bottom line. I will happily have a catch up with my friends, return their calls, reply to their texts- heaven forbid!- even instigate catch ups myself.

Men, what do you want when you message us? It’s not for a rekindling of romance, not even a shag- so why? Do you actually care how I’m doing a month/6 months/a year on? I may be intrigued about you – so I stalk, I facebook stalk, I twitter stalk (I ‘ve even been known to LinkedIn stalk but less of that !)  I would never actively initiate a catch up with you. Accidentally running into you at the supermarket or the train station is awkward enough why would I ring/text you? Do enlighten me.

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