These have to be my three biggest turn offs. It’s a shame other things weren’t quite so big that fateful night!
I met B (I would hate to name and shame!) for dinner and a few drinks, we had met before, shared the odd kiss nothing too amazing but I was quite fond of the guy. He had a good sense of humour and- well that’s it all really takes to woo me, plus he was lovely and not what I usually go for (and that was definitely what I needed at that moment in time.)
He took me back to his and rather drunkenly we began to undress one another. He spent more than 5 seconds trying to undo my bra…”sorry, so sorry” he said as his clumsy fingers fumbled over the hooks- no biggie, no need for the apology- I ignored it. I raised my arms so he could lift my shirt up and over my head and as he did so it pulled on my hair. “Oh god…I’m really sorry!” He said, his face screwed up with worry, “honestly it’s okay” I told him. It was. Nearly naked, we dived under his covers. He began to kiss me excitedly and as he did so the covers fell off our entwined bodies and onto the floor- “I’m sorry, do you want me to pick them up?” He said, I just shook my head, another bloody sorry! He ran his hands up, down, all over my body- teasing my nipples, stroking my stomach and rubbing my chest. His hands ran down to my knickers over which he rubbed two of his fingers, it felt amazing- his never ending apologies aside, I was hopeful for what was to come.
I rubbed my hand on his boxers, he wasn’t hard- this was awkward, he was seeing me naked, he had caressed my body, I was rubbing his penis and still…he wasn’t hard! I whipped off his boxers only to discover that B was infact fully erect. He penis was small. As in….I didn’t know how to operate this thing. How was I going to give him a good blowjob? Was I going to feel it inside me? This was such a turn off and a worry. I’m not even being cruel as I relay this…we are talking smaller than my thumb whilst hard! Maybe he was two cms long. (if I’m being generous!) You get the gist…rather than to painfully re-live every moment of the sexual encounter let me conclude for you that 1) giving head wasn’t easy- it was unsatisfying for me…and probably for him although he did cum. 2) I could feel him inside me…but just about. He wasn’t breaking into any new territory any time soon though. It was meh, mediocre at best.
What made the whole memory unbearable was the sex music he insisted on playing. It was a mixed tape CD that he had compiled together with an unusual mix of songs ranging from the sexy; Nelly’s “Hot in Here” to the odd; Louis Armstrong’s “Wonderful World”- certainly the last thing you want to hear with an un-wonderfully small penis inside you.
This whole trauma is one I want to put to the back of my mind. Unremarkable sex, far too many apologies to let me relax and a cringey soundtrack to back the whole thing. A handful of songs on that CD, I will never be able to listen to in the same way again. Thanks Mr B.
You’re a nice man, you are. But not the one for me. You probably wonder why I didn’t text you back when you asked me how I was a couple of days later. You were probably perplexed when I ignored you again as you asked for a “second marathon sex sesh”- the first was NO marathon! You’re almost certainly confused as to why I never responded when you aked if I wanted a copy of your CD to remind me of “our night.”
I don’t really know what to say…I guess, in your words: I’m sorry.