The birds and the bees.

What’s worse than having a conversation with your mum about the birds and the bees when you’re thirteen? Having a conversation with your mum about the birds and the bees…at twenty two.

My mother called me downstairs “for a chat.” The very comment brought fear to the pit of my stomach, “shiiiiit what had I done now?” was the only thought running through my head as I tried to think up some excuse or explanation for this unknown issue.

I had left a packet of contraception in my bedroom when I last left for university and my mother 1) worried that I was thus having unprotected sex and 2) worried that I didn’t know of the potential repercussions linked to this particular version of the pill (which she was ready to fill me in on after discussions with her friends/a thorough google search.)

Uncertain of what to expect, I went downstairs where I was faced with a brief interrogation by my mum. “It’s none of my business” was her oft-repeated phrase and “IF you’re in a sexual relationship” pre-empted virtually every sentence she uttered.

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Honestly, it was horrendous…almost comical, if it wasn’t so damn embarrassing. My mum likes to consider herself somewhat liberal, open minded and younger than her years but we’ve never had that kind of relationship where I could tell her who I had been sleeping with as many of my friends do with their mums. It was an unspoken area that was never discussed. Until today.

I had never sat her down and told her that I had lost my virginity, we never went to the doctors together to put me on the pill…I just went to university and aged twenty two figured that my mum probably realised that by now the deed had be done.

In all likelihood, she never actually thought about it until she was faced with the packet of forgotten contraceptives. AWKWARD AS HELL. 

I kind of wanted to set her straight: “yes mum, I’m not a virgin. That status went out the window at the end of my first year at university when I was 19, horny and drunk. I have been having safe sex (virtually always and if not have taken proper precautions to check I am STD and baby free: I have never had either) and now the pill has been forgotten about because I’m currently as celibate as the nun who taught me Latin.” That is my story- but I figured that not only was it a case of “too much information” but that actually it is nothing short of tragic. I don’t know that I could face the pity of my single, divorcee mother. I would kind of prefer that she thought I was at it like a rabbit with some charming boy I fancied.

We had this awkward chat where my mum was trying to be this really cool parent just making sure her daughter was being careful whilst I was trying to hide the awkward smirk on my face and ever reddening cheeks! You’d think I would have had my fair share of awkward parent chats in this area- I have divorced parents and when I started my periods got the “congratulations”, helpful advice chat from my mum and the concerned “if you ever need any products or chocolate or some space or whatever feel free to let me know and I will sort it” chat from my dad.

No matter how young- or old- you are, it seems this conversation will never get any less embarrassing. Will it ever end?

 

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