Females, faking and fucking.

FAKING. We are all doing it, ladies.

  1. ORGASM FAKING. We have all done it! Ever been waiting and waiting AND WAITING for the big moment…maybe probably he has already had his moment of glory and yours just isn’t happening? You want to save both him and your time and effort- so you fake it. Or you’re bored…getting nowhere near climax and you catch a glimpse of the time and realize that actually you would rather be watching TV or cooking dinner or doing ANYTHING else? So you fake it. Maybe what he is doing is so unpleasant that you just want it to end right now? You got it, WE FAKE IT. I don’t believe any woman that claims she has never faked an orgasm- it’s convenience and sometimes the most efficient thing to do: we are all busy bodies, sometimes we have NO choice. Not that I condone this behavior- here are my thoughts on faking orgasms: https://femaleramblings.wordpress.com/2013/09/30/operation-mindblowing-sex/
  2. INTEREST FAKING. I can’t lie, I don’t give a shite about the “off-side rule,” I couldn’t care less about your love for cycling in the countryside and I’m really disinterested in the merits of that fast red car compared to the merits of another (to me) indistinguishable fast red car. I still love you and many things you tell me indeed do interest me: but I’m not your male friend and some stuff, I don’t care about. This is why I don’t tell you about my love for Sex and the City 24/7, I don’t discuss the merits of my Clinique foundation, MAC blusher or Benefit eyebrow pencil with you and I don’t expect you “to get” why one designer handbag is better than another (seemingly identical) handbag. Boys will be boys and girls will be girls and that’s it. PLEASE accept this otherwise I will be yawning and faking interest!
  3. APPEARANCE  FAKING. Make-up. Fake tan. Hair extensions. Fake eyelashes. Fake nails. Spandex. Heels. You name it, we use it. Anything to hide our flaws and to extenuate our strengths, to make us look slimmer, taller, generally sexier. How often does the guy you like see you…for who you are; warts and all. Even if you pride yourself on your natural beauty, I bet you wear a touch of concealer, I bet you shave your legs, I bet you change your appearance to be socially acceptable.

WHERE DOES IT END?! How much of us is the real deal?! This struck me when I woke up beside my current date, I hopped out of bed, ran to the loo and touched up my make-up at half 6 in the morning ladies! I went back to sleep and when we woke a couple of hours later I was relieved that even though I looked groggy, I looked better than I could have done! I thought this as I sat for hours at the salon: hair dyed and styled to perfection. Nails preened and manicured, body tanned until I’m a bronzed goddess. Make-up caked on, eyelashes thick and ready to flutter and wearing knickers to sculpt my body into a perfect hourglass shape! This is just my appearance.

Then there is the lunch date he took me on to one of his favourite restaurants…a bloody sushi bar. Incidentally- I hate sushi- but there I was munching away, ordering as many non-fishy dishes as was socially acceptable/possible and telling him how great his restaurant choice was. BULLSHIT. 

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When with him- any guy (in the early stages) I am, to be blunt, not myself. This isn’t the girl that my mum recognises- the girl with a flabby belly, with short bitten down nails, with pale skin and freckles plastered all over my face. The girl who sneers at fishy dishes and would much rather devour a Maccies. I’m not the girl my sister and my best friend knows. I’m faking it.

So as I lay in bed that night I vowed to be different; to be me. I’m damn special as I am- maybe I hate sushi and all his favourite sports. Maybe I’m freckley and a bit spotty with crappy nails. This is me. Warts and all. Come on ladie let’s be true to ourselves, let’s be real.

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