Dating crimes.

My list of successful…even just good dates is faaaar shorter than my list of bad dates. Here are five dating crimes that I have had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of.

LYING. I just don’t get it? If you know you’re rather plump, or that you’re not the youngest you’ve even been (who is?) then why lie?? Because you will always- and I mean always, be found out. I get that perhaps a shallow lady might not strike a conversation up with you online if she thinks you’re 42 but pre-first date don’t you think it’s pretty damn important to inform of your little white lie? Well, I certainly do. If you can lie so readily about your age, your children and your weight then what else are you capable of? I’m not sticking around to find out!

DRINKING. Might I add- to excess. We’re all nervous on a first date, a second, maybe even a third but that does not excuse getting absolutely sloshed. I once went on a date where the otherwise perfect guy (he had the looks, the brain, the wealth, the wit- he had it ALL) got wasted. He racked up a huge bill that I had to pay as he couldn’t remember his PIN number (he did later transfer me the money, to be fair!) He made lots of loud, hugely inappropriate jokes that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable- and I’m not easily offended. He revealed far far far too much information about his self and ended the night throwing up outside of the lovely posh restaurant before falling into his taxi. The next morning he texted me: “how drunk we were last night? I’m feeling it today but I do remember how much we clicked.” There was no WE about it- I had ONE glass of wine and ONE cocktail and as for the connection between us- apart from the vomit that he sprayed on my beautiful new shoes, there was nothing that I felt with Sir-drink-a-lot!


BAD MANNERS. If you want me to take you home to meet my folks then you’d better be able to turn the manners on! A few months into any relationship the airs and graces go…but on a first date? I once dated a man who chose a very fancy restaurant to impress me with- it was all running so smoothly until… post beer he decided to simply belch in my face. This was no discreet, accidental hiccup job- oh no, he was impressed with volume of his creation unlike me and the other nearby diners who turned to face this animal at my table, call me shallow I don’t care!

WANDERING FINGERS. I know this isn’t the Victorian times…but even so- agreeing to go on a date with you does NOT mean that I’m agreeing to bed you! Things happen, girls sleeping with men on their first date isn’t that uncommon, but one certain way of ensuring it never does- is to be that creep with the wandering hands. One guy took me out for a few drinks and sidled up to me in a booth at the back of the bar. He put his arm around me in an overly affectionate way but I ran with it- not too offended. As the evening wore on he rested his hands on my legs, my inner thigh, the bottom of my back…it was when he let his hand cup my boob however, that I made a dash to the toilet! I rang my best friend who dropped into the bar where I “bumped” into her and not long after ditched him for a few drinks with the girls!


EX DISCUSSIONS. This is a pretty fundamental dating rule- you don’t have to be a dating expert to know it….you never mention an ex on a date. Perhaps the odd comment I could forgive…but a guy I once dated droned on and on and on about his- clearly- beloved Rachel. He showed me a few pictures of her and lots of coupley photos of the two of them on their last holiday to Malta. Put it this way- I recognised her in Tesco not long after!  He told me how she had cheated on him with a work colleague, how she bought herself a dog that she named after him in an attempt to win him back (incidentally, please tell me that’s weird…right?!) and how she had even designed their matching “his and hers tattoos.” If you want to be sick in your mouth, I don’t blame you! When I kindly asked if he was actually over her, he replied saying; “ofcourse I am babe, why else would I be here and all over you?” Needless to say there was ofcourse no second date. Also, about three months later, he got back with Rachel!

One thought on “Dating crimes.

  1. Cringe, cringe and thrice cringe! I had a woman send me to the bar to get her a drink and she did a runner behind my back: lovely manners. 😉
    (and I don’t drink cider)

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